Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
