just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
