it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
