please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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