You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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