A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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