i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
