Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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