Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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