i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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