i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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