im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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