Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
