So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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