i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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