you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
