I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I smell stomach acid.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
