Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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