my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize