I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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