We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
