i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Two words: blizzard sex
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
