Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
