You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
