he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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