escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
