I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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