Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
