So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I need water and some morals
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
