I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I AM VODKA MAN
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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