Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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