dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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