I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
