Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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