just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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