two words: eviction party
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
