Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize