Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
