Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
