the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
