Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize