fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
