oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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