Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
