The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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