if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
please come you make the beer taste better
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
