just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
