Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
