Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
