Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
