Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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