when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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