The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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