Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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