I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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