haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
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